Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Saturday, July 14, 2012
ADVENTURES IN HARLEM
Ring Ring Ring.... "Hi you've reached Sarah please leave a message..."
"Hi Sarah this is Bernice from Slumlordville Reatly. I was just calling to see if youd be interested in an apartment in a first world country that offers everything from a third world country. Please call me back at 425.765.... if you are interested. Thank you and hope you have a great evening!"
That would be the message I left for my cousin tonight...
This morning I was rudely awaken at 4am by my new roommates. It sounded like someone was breaking into my bedroom! I woke up not knowing what was going on and in a panic. I started searching for the noise when I realized the wall two feet from my bed was moving!!! All I could hear was this loud scratching and sawing sound. All of a sudden I see my wall start to collapse within itself. I froze in a stage of panic and surprise. I then saw the wall that was once flesh with itself was sticking out into my room. I watched what I can only compare to a child grabbing both sides of a bottle pulling it towards itself for a drink happen to my wall. Two boney creepy hand things wrapped themselves around this section of wall and yanked it hard towards itself. POOF!!! My wall was gone, lost in and amongst itself. I LITERALLY watched a rat manhandle the only protection barrier I had between myself and the rodents that cohabit my apartment. The RATS made it in with a vengeance. I screamed some profanities, grabbed a rat trap, placed it outside the hole then grabbed raid and started spraying the inside of the hole. Obviously, I know raid won't kill these miscreants, however, I can only assume being shot with poison liquid has to be a deterrent.
So later today, I am up cleaning my room because of course the rats have taken over. Before I could have a complete breakdown my friend came and picked me up and took me to lunch. The nice thing, he is a broker here in NYC, so we discussed my options. Lawsuits, renters rights etc.
Unfortunately, when I got home, an hour and a half later, I quickly discovered that the rats decided to take revenge on me for ruining their plans to take over my room in the middle of the night. I stood in horror over my bed as there was now pee and shit everywhere. As if that wasn't enough they had a scratching party on the bottom of my sheets tearing them to shredded pills. My roommate and I started pulling everything out of my room. One thing after another, ruined. They ate my mattress. They ruined four pairs of boots. My hanging clothes had bite marks in them. They even felt it was necessary to eat through the plastic and paper that was still neatly covering my freshly picked up dry cleaning. They destroyed bras, panties, socks and my laptop case. They ate Pepto-Bismol, a bobby pin, matches, a lighter, some pennies, my unopened contacts, vitamins, bandaids and receipts. Apparently, these varmints have particular taste as they left the brand new box of kettle corn on my shelf alone, my trash can and what it contained unharmed.
My room was hauled down to the trash along with my mattress, pillows, handbags, shoes, clothes, hangers, brand new bedding and many many more possessions. What was once an inconvenience last week of being out $1000 dollars was now quickly adding up to $5000.... Closer to $10,000 dollars worth of damaged goods that are now being entered into an inventory list. If only our house would have flooded or the leak would have destroyed it then at least renters insurance would cover it. Now the only things I have left that aren't destroyed live in a medium sized suitcase that my homeless nomad ass will wheel around NYC while I couch surf until I figure something out.
On the bright side, the rash all over my legs and arms, that now my roommate suffers from after helping clean my room, from all the toxins from feces, will probably dissipate and we won't have to fight over the bathroom from puking all night from inhaling it.
Ring Ring Ring.... "Hi you've reached Sarah please leave a message..."
"Hi Sarah this is Bernice from Slumlordville Reatly. I was just calling to see if youd be interested in an apartment in a first world country that offers everything from a third world country. Please call me back at 425.765.... if you are interested. Thank you and hope you have a great evening!"
That would be the message I left for my cousin tonight...
This morning I was rudely awaken at 4am by my new roommates. It sounded like someone was breaking into my bedroom! I woke up not knowing what was going on and in a panic. I started searching for the noise when I realized the wall two feet from my bed was moving!!! All I could hear was this loud scratching and sawing sound. All of a sudden I see my wall start to collapse within itself. I froze in a stage of panic and surprise. I then saw the wall that was once flesh with itself was sticking out into my room. I watched what I can only compare to a child grabbing both sides of a bottle pulling it towards itself for a drink happen to my wall. Two boney creepy hand things wrapped themselves around this section of wall and yanked it hard towards itself. POOF!!! My wall was gone, lost in and amongst itself. I LITERALLY watched a rat manhandle the only protection barrier I had between myself and the rodents that cohabit my apartment. The RATS made it in with a vengeance. I screamed some profanities, grabbed a rat trap, placed it outside the hole then grabbed raid and started spraying the inside of the hole. Obviously, I know raid won't kill these miscreants, however, I can only assume being shot with poison liquid has to be a deterrent.
So later today, I am up cleaning my room because of course the rats have taken over. Before I could have a complete breakdown my friend came and picked me up and took me to lunch. The nice thing, he is a broker here in NYC, so we discussed my options. Lawsuits, renters rights etc.
Unfortunately, when I got home, an hour and a half later, I quickly discovered that the rats decided to take revenge on me for ruining their plans to take over my room in the middle of the night. I stood in horror over my bed as there was now pee and shit everywhere. As if that wasn't enough they had a scratching party on the bottom of my sheets tearing them to shredded pills. My roommate and I started pulling everything out of my room. One thing after another, ruined. They ate my mattress. They ruined four pairs of boots. My hanging clothes had bite marks in them. They even felt it was necessary to eat through the plastic and paper that was still neatly covering my freshly picked up dry cleaning. They destroyed bras, panties, socks and my laptop case. They ate Pepto-Bismol, a bobby pin, matches, a lighter, some pennies, my unopened contacts, vitamins, bandaids and receipts. Apparently, these varmints have particular taste as they left the brand new box of kettle corn on my shelf alone, my trash can and what it contained unharmed.
My room was hauled down to the trash along with my mattress, pillows, handbags, shoes, clothes, hangers, brand new bedding and many many more possessions. What was once an inconvenience last week of being out $1000 dollars was now quickly adding up to $5000.... Closer to $10,000 dollars worth of damaged goods that are now being entered into an inventory list. If only our house would have flooded or the leak would have destroyed it then at least renters insurance would cover it. Now the only things I have left that aren't destroyed live in a medium sized suitcase that my homeless nomad ass will wheel around NYC while I couch surf until I figure something out.
On the bright side, the rash all over my legs and arms, that now my roommate suffers from after helping clean my room, from all the toxins from feces, will probably dissipate and we won't have to fight over the bathroom from puking all night from inhaling it.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
ADVENTURES IN HARLEM
Why do my trashy neighbors feel the need to throw their freaking condoms out the window and onto my balcony????? I am so sick of disgusting people! I'm seriously about to report them to NYC sanitation and have them clean them up and superglue them to their front door then report them to the police for littering and have them fined... Then, I wish I could report them to the CDC then have them arrested for endangering the human race. assholes.
Why do my trashy neighbors feel the need to throw their freaking condoms out the window and onto my balcony????? I am so sick of disgusting people! I'm seriously about to report them to NYC sanitation and have them clean them up and superglue them to their front door then report them to the police for littering and have them fined... Then, I wish I could report them to the CDC then have them arrested for endangering the human race. assholes.
Friday, July 6, 2012
After getting harassed by a crazy lady on crack with 3 teeth, several insanely long, curly dark chin hairs and out of control armpit hair named Bernice... I found this out because the lady next to me started yelling back at her to "back off and go away" I was then told I looked good for my age.... wait a second... I look good for my age??? I think I just got called old... CRAP!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
ADVENTURES IN HARLEM
Yesterday is my biggest adventure yet.... So be prepared for "First World Problems."
Yesterday morning I received a picture from someone who put life into perspective. It really did help me with how I wanted to handle this situation I will soon tell you about.
The picture, so that it makes sense, was the person that sent it to me holding a man's head in place from moving so that CPR could be preformed on him after he jumped off a bridge committing suicide. He wrote me saying life could always be worse and that I have a good life. And he's so right. Something like that really does puts things into perspective.
And this is where my adventure began....
So up until now Harlem living has kind of been a disaster but one that has provided many stories and laughs. Yesterday it took a turn of events.... At least for me anyway... You all may still laugh... I laughed so that I wouldnt cry....
I was working from home on a few projects for my boss and answering the many emails I get everyday. It seemed like a normal day. Work was great and everything got done on time! Successful Friday! So I thought. Well that was until I decided to get dressed and run errands for work...
I walked into my room from my living room, where I had my makeshift office set up, and headed straight for the closet. Now as I've explained before in past stories my closet is kind of a joke. Let me explain so that you have a better visual if you missed my last story. My closet is about two feet wide and not deep enough to keep normal sized hangers in it without putting them in sideways. It has a shelf about two feet above the ground. This is where I keep towels, sheets and dresses... I know I know... You're thinking why are dresses folded and not hanging.... That would be because my closet is not tall enough to hang them without them dragging so it's safer for them to stay folded. Below the shelf is this two foot gap where a cardboard box with random files and another box to store my rain boots in live. And that is my closet. Now above my closet there is another little opening with a self in it. Up there I kept hats, a Costco size purchase of hand warmers and my first aid box. About a foot and a half away from my closet is a three drawer dresser. This is what as I use as my ladder when I need to reach something from the above cubby. So I hop up on my ladder to grab a hat when I notice there is a bunch of shredded paper. I start pulling stuff out of the shelf only to realize there is a pile of it next to my hand warmer box and a hole the size of a gerbil in it. Then I see the confirmation I need to go into a fury. Rat feces EVERYWHERE! These effing bastards are living in my cubby!!!!
So I start pulling everything out of my closet. There are tracings of them in every nook and cranny. Then I realize how they got up there in the first place. There is an opening in the bottom left corner of the lower closet that runs directly up to the ceiling. These rat bastards have been sneaking up and down and having a party!!!
So then I decide it's time to inspect my closet where all my clothes are...... This was clearly going to be a bad idea.... I quickly learned the varmints are nesting in all of my clothes, bedding and towels. Now several of these items are brand new still with tags and wrapped up... Or at least they were until the beastly creatures decided for a snack they should eat all the wrappings. They tried my brand new garment bag but apparently green plastic isnt their forte. There is shit covering EVERYTHING... Then I noticed the yellow stains... Yes that's right they also decided to mark their territory. Here is the thing about rats, they're like dogs in the fact that, once they leave their mark they now own whatever spot they've claimed. They will use the same trails over and over again until extreme measures are taken to end it. Also, you aren't even supposed to sweep their crap up because it can cause deadly toxins to enter the air... So what the hell am I supposed to do?!?!
They completely destroyed my $150 Lacoste tote bag. Pee covered the entire side of it. Inside were dark short hairs AND they ate business cards, a bristled plastic toothpick still in its wrapper, an entire thing of matches, Benadryl and, sorry men but ladies you'll enjoy this, and a small box of tampons that was shredded into a million pieces.
So I decide to take action. I packed up all my clothes into four large bags, leaving only the few items hanging up in my closet and dresser, and head to the dry cleaners. Thankfully, they sent one of their employees over to help me carry everything. $400 later my 50 lbs of wash and fold and my ten plus dry clean only items are on their way off for special treatment. Obviously, this is asinine but I have no other choice! I'm not gonna die from toxic rat shit nor do I have time to do 30 loads of laundry this week. Plus it needs to be dealt with before all my clothes are officially stained and ruined. So the bill will be going to my landlords for reimbursement... Next step harassing the shit out of my landlords...
Of course from all my previous stories you all know my landlords are non functioning humans who couldn't care less if a tornado blew your place away, they will get back to you in a month, and since they didnt answer or return any of my calls I called my renters insurance!!!!! Yay me for paying the premium to have it!!! WRONG!
They won't cover the damage because it is the landlords fault for neglecting the holes that were created when we came back from vacation to our no walls or ceiling bathroom leak. Awesome....
So now I'm already up to at least $700 worth of damages (thats not including the cost of each item that may still come back ruined from the dry cleaners if they arent able to clean them) and there is no way to collect on it. I'll probably have to spend most of next week either in pajamas or naked since cashmere sweaters aren't going to cut it in 100 degree weather, not including the extra ten degrees for humidity, AND I'm most likely going to have to take the landlords to small claims court for reimbursement because my clothes have to be washed while the launderer's wear special hazmat suits so they don't die. Oh yes! And there is going to be the cost of the exterminator and the special cleaning crew that will have to come in to disinfect our apartment. F.M.L.
So yesterday, every time I wanted to scream and punch every idiots face in that "worked" on our collapsing walls due to the leak, I had to remember the picture I received and realize that even though I basically live inside a port-a-potty at a carnival that hasn't been cleaned in 3 months in the middle of the summer heat, at least I am still alive, I have my health (however, this may be debatable after the rat toxins) and I have amazing family and friends that love and care about me and are supporting this ridiculous journey to NYC so that I am able to provide you all with over the top "Extreme Home Makeover NYC Edition" novels. So there you have it. Yet another adventure in Harlem.
Yesterday is my biggest adventure yet.... So be prepared for "First World Problems."
Yesterday morning I received a picture from someone who put life into perspective. It really did help me with how I wanted to handle this situation I will soon tell you about.
The picture, so that it makes sense, was the person that sent it to me holding a man's head in place from moving so that CPR could be preformed on him after he jumped off a bridge committing suicide. He wrote me saying life could always be worse and that I have a good life. And he's so right. Something like that really does puts things into perspective.
And this is where my adventure began....
So up until now Harlem living has kind of been a disaster but one that has provided many stories and laughs. Yesterday it took a turn of events.... At least for me anyway... You all may still laugh... I laughed so that I wouldnt cry....
I was working from home on a few projects for my boss and answering the many emails I get everyday. It seemed like a normal day. Work was great and everything got done on time! Successful Friday! So I thought. Well that was until I decided to get dressed and run errands for work...
I walked into my room from my living room, where I had my makeshift office set up, and headed straight for the closet. Now as I've explained before in past stories my closet is kind of a joke. Let me explain so that you have a better visual if you missed my last story. My closet is about two feet wide and not deep enough to keep normal sized hangers in it without putting them in sideways. It has a shelf about two feet above the ground. This is where I keep towels, sheets and dresses... I know I know... You're thinking why are dresses folded and not hanging.... That would be because my closet is not tall enough to hang them without them dragging so it's safer for them to stay folded. Below the shelf is this two foot gap where a cardboard box with random files and another box to store my rain boots in live. And that is my closet. Now above my closet there is another little opening with a self in it. Up there I kept hats, a Costco size purchase of hand warmers and my first aid box. About a foot and a half away from my closet is a three drawer dresser. This is what as I use as my ladder when I need to reach something from the above cubby. So I hop up on my ladder to grab a hat when I notice there is a bunch of shredded paper. I start pulling stuff out of the shelf only to realize there is a pile of it next to my hand warmer box and a hole the size of a gerbil in it. Then I see the confirmation I need to go into a fury. Rat feces EVERYWHERE! These effing bastards are living in my cubby!!!!
So I start pulling everything out of my closet. There are tracings of them in every nook and cranny. Then I realize how they got up there in the first place. There is an opening in the bottom left corner of the lower closet that runs directly up to the ceiling. These rat bastards have been sneaking up and down and having a party!!!
So then I decide it's time to inspect my closet where all my clothes are...... This was clearly going to be a bad idea.... I quickly learned the varmints are nesting in all of my clothes, bedding and towels. Now several of these items are brand new still with tags and wrapped up... Or at least they were until the beastly creatures decided for a snack they should eat all the wrappings. They tried my brand new garment bag but apparently green plastic isnt their forte. There is shit covering EVERYTHING... Then I noticed the yellow stains... Yes that's right they also decided to mark their territory. Here is the thing about rats, they're like dogs in the fact that, once they leave their mark they now own whatever spot they've claimed. They will use the same trails over and over again until extreme measures are taken to end it. Also, you aren't even supposed to sweep their crap up because it can cause deadly toxins to enter the air... So what the hell am I supposed to do?!?!
They completely destroyed my $150 Lacoste tote bag. Pee covered the entire side of it. Inside were dark short hairs AND they ate business cards, a bristled plastic toothpick still in its wrapper, an entire thing of matches, Benadryl and, sorry men but ladies you'll enjoy this, and a small box of tampons that was shredded into a million pieces.
So I decide to take action. I packed up all my clothes into four large bags, leaving only the few items hanging up in my closet and dresser, and head to the dry cleaners. Thankfully, they sent one of their employees over to help me carry everything. $400 later my 50 lbs of wash and fold and my ten plus dry clean only items are on their way off for special treatment. Obviously, this is asinine but I have no other choice! I'm not gonna die from toxic rat shit nor do I have time to do 30 loads of laundry this week. Plus it needs to be dealt with before all my clothes are officially stained and ruined. So the bill will be going to my landlords for reimbursement... Next step harassing the shit out of my landlords...
Of course from all my previous stories you all know my landlords are non functioning humans who couldn't care less if a tornado blew your place away, they will get back to you in a month, and since they didnt answer or return any of my calls I called my renters insurance!!!!! Yay me for paying the premium to have it!!! WRONG!
They won't cover the damage because it is the landlords fault for neglecting the holes that were created when we came back from vacation to our no walls or ceiling bathroom leak. Awesome....
So now I'm already up to at least $700 worth of damages (thats not including the cost of each item that may still come back ruined from the dry cleaners if they arent able to clean them) and there is no way to collect on it. I'll probably have to spend most of next week either in pajamas or naked since cashmere sweaters aren't going to cut it in 100 degree weather, not including the extra ten degrees for humidity, AND I'm most likely going to have to take the landlords to small claims court for reimbursement because my clothes have to be washed while the launderer's wear special hazmat suits so they don't die. Oh yes! And there is going to be the cost of the exterminator and the special cleaning crew that will have to come in to disinfect our apartment. F.M.L.
So yesterday, every time I wanted to scream and punch every idiots face in that "worked" on our collapsing walls due to the leak, I had to remember the picture I received and realize that even though I basically live inside a port-a-potty at a carnival that hasn't been cleaned in 3 months in the middle of the summer heat, at least I am still alive, I have my health (however, this may be debatable after the rat toxins) and I have amazing family and friends that love and care about me and are supporting this ridiculous journey to NYC so that I am able to provide you all with over the top "Extreme Home Makeover NYC Edition" novels. So there you have it. Yet another adventure in Harlem.
Friday, June 22, 2012
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