ADVENTURES IN HARLEM

Yesterday is my biggest adventure yet.... So be prepared for "First World Problems."

Yesterday morning I received a picture from someone who put life into perspective. It really did help me with how I wanted to handle this situation I will soon tell you about. 

The picture, so that it makes sense, was the person that sent it to me holding a man's head in place from moving so that CPR could be preformed on him after he jumped off a bridge committing suicide. He wrote me saying life could always be worse and that I have a good life. And he's so right. Something like that really does puts things into perspective.

And this is where my adventure began....

So up until now Harlem living has kind of been a disaster but one that has provided many stories and laughs. Yesterday it took a turn of events.... At least for me anyway... You all may still laugh... I laughed so that I wouldnt cry....

I was working from home on a few projects for my boss and answering the many emails I get everyday. It seemed like a normal day. Work was great and everything got done on time! Successful Friday! So I thought. Well that was until I decided to get dressed and run errands for work...

I walked into my room from my living room, where I had my makeshift office set up, and headed straight for the closet. Now as I've explained before in past stories my closet is kind of a joke. Let me explain so that you have a better visual if you missed my last story. My closet is about two feet wide and not deep enough to keep normal sized hangers in it without putting them in sideways. It has a shelf about two feet above the ground. This is where I keep towels, sheets and dresses... I know I know... You're thinking why are dresses folded and not hanging.... That would be because my closet is not tall enough to hang them without them dragging so it's safer for them to stay folded. Below the shelf is this two foot gap where a cardboard box with random files and another box to store my rain boots in live. And that is my closet. Now above my closet there is another little opening with a self in it. Up there I kept hats, a Costco size purchase of hand warmers and my first aid box. About a foot and a half away from my closet is a three drawer dresser. This is what as I use as my ladder when I need to reach something from the above cubby. So I hop up on my ladder to grab a hat when I notice there is a bunch of shredded paper. I start pulling stuff out of the shelf only to realize there is a pile of it next to my hand warmer box and a hole the size of a gerbil in it. Then I see the confirmation I need to go into a fury. Rat feces EVERYWHERE! These effing bastards are living in my cubby!!!!

So I start pulling everything out of my closet. There are tracings of them in every nook and cranny. Then I realize how they got up there in the first place. There is an opening in the bottom left corner of the lower closet that runs directly up to the ceiling. These rat bastards have been sneaking up and down and having a party!!!

So then I decide it's time to inspect my closet where all my clothes are...... This was clearly going to be a bad idea.... I quickly learned the varmints are nesting in all of my clothes, bedding and towels. Now several of these items are brand new still with tags and wrapped up... Or at least they were until the beastly creatures decided for a snack they should eat all the wrappings. They tried my brand new garment bag but apparently green plastic isnt their forte. There is shit covering EVERYTHING... Then I noticed the yellow stains... Yes that's right they also decided to mark their territory. Here is the thing about rats, they're like dogs in the fact that, once they leave their mark they now own whatever spot they've claimed. They will use the same trails over and over again until extreme measures are taken to end it. Also, you aren't even supposed to sweep their crap up because it can cause deadly toxins to enter the air... So what the hell am I supposed to do?!?!

They completely destroyed my $150 Lacoste tote bag. Pee covered the entire side of it. Inside were dark short hairs AND they ate business cards, a bristled plastic toothpick still in its wrapper, an entire thing of matches, Benadryl and, sorry men but ladies you'll enjoy this, and a small box of tampons that was shredded into a million pieces.

So I decide to take action. I packed up all my clothes into four large bags, leaving only the few items hanging up in my closet and dresser, and head to the dry cleaners. Thankfully, they sent one of their employees over to help me carry everything. $400 later my 50 lbs of wash and fold and my ten plus dry clean only items are on their way off for special treatment. Obviously, this is asinine but I have no other choice! I'm not gonna die from toxic rat shit nor do I have time to do 30 loads of laundry this week. Plus it needs to be dealt with before all my clothes are officially stained and ruined. So the bill will be going to my landlords for reimbursement... Next step harassing the shit out of my landlords...

Of course from all my previous stories you all know my landlords are non functioning humans who couldn't care less if a tornado blew your place away, they will get back to you in a month, and since they didnt answer or return any of my calls I called my renters insurance!!!!! Yay me for paying the premium to have it!!! WRONG!
They won't cover the damage because it is the landlords fault for neglecting the holes that were created when we came back from vacation to our no walls or ceiling bathroom leak. Awesome....

So now I'm already up to at least $700 worth of damages (thats not including the cost of each item that may still come back ruined from the dry cleaners if they arent able to clean them) and there is no way to collect on it. I'll probably have to spend most of next week either in pajamas or naked since cashmere sweaters aren't going to cut it in 100 degree weather, not including the extra ten degrees for humidity, AND I'm most likely going to have to take the landlords to small claims court for reimbursement because my clothes have to be washed while the launderer's wear special hazmat suits so they don't die. Oh yes! And there is going to be the cost of the exterminator and the special cleaning crew that will have to come in to disinfect our apartment. F.M.L.

So yesterday, every time I wanted to scream and punch every idiots face in that "worked" on our collapsing walls due to the leak, I had to remember the picture I received and realize that even though I basically live inside a port-a-potty at a carnival that hasn't been cleaned in 3 months in the middle of the summer heat, at least I am still alive, I have my health (however, this may be debatable after the rat toxins) and I have amazing family and friends that love and care about me and are supporting this ridiculous journey to NYC so that I am able to provide you all with over the top "Extreme Home Makeover NYC Edition" novels. So there you have it. Yet another adventure in Harlem.